Oh, the pitfalls of downsizing to an 1,100-square-foot ‘manor’

By Shaun Tumpane

Laguna Woods Globe

Have you ever?

Have you ever found yourself haplessly scouring your Laguna Woods Village “manor” for something (the refrigerator owner’s manual in this case) and you know that you put it somewhere in your abode?

And as you end your search empty-handed, your sweetie comes home after a long hard day’s shopping, lugging many bags of treasures she was so incredibly lucky to find on sale?

After a peck on the cheek, you hear the rejoinder that is on Page 3 of the “How To Explain Life to Your Husband Handbook”: “You aren’t going to believe how much I saved today!”

As you feign interest in the new tea cozy, the coloring books, playdough, Legos and wiffle ball equipment for the grandchildren who visit for five days once a year, the new sheets for the beds, another cream-colored blouse and sweater, a juicer, metal cookie cutters, a waffle iron (never go shopping when you’re hungry), and 14 new throw pillows to replace the perfectly serviceable and completely superfluous ones that cover 90% of the land mass of your California king-size bed that must be relegated to the corners of the bedroom each and every night before slumber ensues, you ask, “Just where in God’s Green Acres do you expect to house all this new booty?”

You’re feeling particularly superior in that moment knowing that there is no room anywhere, period.

To press your point, you ask with just a hint of a snide smile, “Oh, and do you know where the owner’s manual for the new fridge is?”

As you bask in the glory of an inane “gotcha” moment, she disappears into the vast reaches of your 1,100-square-foot estate, returns in 17 seconds, and swats your ample gut with said owner’s manual.

While you wipe the stupid look off your face, the commander-in-chief explains that some “spring cleaning” is in your immediate future. You then ask a perfectly logical question: “So, shall we give the old pillows to Goodwill or just toss them out?”

One would have thought you suggested committing a felony.

Evidently, the plan is to relegate the old pillows to the guest bedroom. When you point out that the queen-size bed doesn’t have the same pillow capacity, you are on the receiving end of the look that makes the blood drain from your face.

You know this look. It’s the “How dare you question the way I decorate our house to make it a home, which is done all for you, so that when you come home, you can feel the serenity and love, and this is the thanks I get” look.

And oh yeah, “You’re on the couch until further notice … without pillows.”

Yeah, me neither.

Shaun Tumpane is a Laguna Woods Village resident.